Lea's Memoirs
by Lovely Narcissist James Blanke
Summary: Roxas finds a curious book in Axel's room and can't resist reading it. Light Akuroku; can even be seen as platonic. Dark themes.


A/N: An experience I recently had that was similar, perhaps the fact is stranger than the fiction in this case. I made a lot of it to be modeled after the song 'Cleaning out my Closet,' by Eminem; I wouldn't want diary entries of anyone floating around the internet.

ONWARD!

Just so you know: Takes place in 2005, Axel was born in 1984 in my story; they never told us any years in the games, so this is where I decided I wanted it to be.

Disclaimer: I don't even work with Square Enix, but maybe one day… still won't own it, though. Cleaning out my Closet belong to Eminem.

Warnings: Mentions of abuse, mentions of death, a lot of AU, a lot of other things I'm probably forgetting…

Pairings: Axel/Roxas

Roxas was just going to wait for Axel in the redhead's room; it was far too cold to hang out on the tower today, they had agreed.

Axel was to be back in just a few minutes as Roxas sauntered down to the older Nobody's room.

He opened a door to see a room just like his own; uniform white walls, window allowing Kingdom Hearts to shine its light in and standard white bedside table.

There were only subtle differences; the sheets had silken red lining, he had painted the Nobody symbol on the white lamp in black and grey, there was a game console area in one corner to the left of the door, a desk and book case in the corner right of the door…

_Axel reads?…_

Roxas' curiosity got the best of him, or perhaps his recon training did. Honestly, he had started to want to know everything about the other Nobody lately.

A book lay open on his desk. _Lea's Memoirs, _it read in silver and red letters crossed perfectly over the black felt cover with the same silvery metal fastening the black felt to the corners.

Lea. Ael. Axel.

_Axel's Memoirs._

_Axel's_ history. _Axel's_ diary. _Axel_.

Roxas knew he shouldn't; that this was stuff was highly personal and Axel probably wouldn't want him to see, but he couldn't stop himself.

His hands glided lightly over the cover before flipping to a random page of worn, lineless, tearstained paper.

_October 21, 1998_

_Today, the protesters beat me. I watched my mom in the crowd. She didn't say anything; she almost looked like she enjoyed it. Thanks for the support, Mom._

_I couldn't have fought them; they had too many people. I think they would have killed me, had Ansem the Wise not stepped in. I don't know him well, but he strikes me as a good man, for a king anyway._

_Had I been born a bit sooner, I'd be in an insane asylum. I can't decide if that would be better or worse._

_The signs said horrible things. Though they say I'm the sick one, it seems as if they could be murderers. Only no one would care if they killed me._

_Noises, rocks, fists. I remember all of those. Some of them are bleeding. Maybe the idea was that if they give me some scars, no man would ever look at me. They're emotions get out of hand for something that doesn't concern them. Getting mad for no reason at all really. Angry parents, confused children; I ignored them as they watched Ansem take me away._

_When they get alone, the ones who beat me, I attack them. They're answers to the questioning glances is always easily explained. Bar fight. Thugs. Wrong place, wrong time. Too embarrassed to admit they got they're ass handed to them by a gay boy._

_They taunt me when I'm alone. Bitter words to tease me falling fluently out of they're mouths. So I turned it back on them._

_Funny, I was yelling back at my mom when I was taken back home. I stood up to her at my full height, which was only about an inch taller than her. It made a difference though, the confidence was what hindered her._

'_I'm sorry you ended up with a gay son like me! Maybe it was God's way of punishing you. What did you do, Mom?! What did you do?! C'mon, what's the matter? You sick of me? You tired of seeing my face?! C'mon, Mom, what's the matter?'_

_She cried a lot. I think that's what I aimed for…_

Roxas flipped back a few pages, a perplexed look on his face. This was a lot to take in, but he wanted to see it all.

His writing here looked more confidant. He wasn't worried about anything, it seemed. This was a self confession, he didn't intend for anyone to find.

_April 8, 1998_

_These people don't know me. But I do, and maybe they will, too, one day. Maybe then they can stop picking on me for not wanting a girlfriend._

_Not too long after I was born, my father left. I don't blame him, I don't like Mom, either. It kind of hurts, though, did he even think of me, did he say goodbye?_

_Then I realize I don't care if he did, I just hope that he died._

_Looking at Reno, I think of all the pain that he caused. If I were his father, I don't think I could leave. Even with such a mom, I'd try making it work just for him._

_Though I'd probably mess it up, too, we're only human. At least I'd confront my mistakes. I know last year I was being stupid, I was only fourteen. I held a gun to her head, I'd have killed her; I'd of shot us, all three, but I dropped it, I couldn't pull the trigger knowing I'd lose Kairi. She's so beautiful now._

_I'm sorry, I threatened her before she was even born, but I'd still kill Mom, and I'm sorry. At least They all know that I'm fucking insane, Reno knew how to calm me, if not we'd be dead._

Roxas gave the book another shocked look; Axel wasn't so violent now. He flipped the pages more, almost at the end.

His writing here was shaky and the page was water-damaged, making it difficult to read in most places.

_February 6, 2000_

_I told Mom I hated her, I thought she already knew. I came home from school to her stiff body, hanging from the ceiling._

_Now don't think of me wrong when I say it was nice; put yourself in my shoes, now think it over a couple of times._

_She sold my body to buy all her drugs, saying I stole all her money because she doesn't remember all the thugs that she bought her drugs from. She'd always tell me I was sick, when she induced my symptoms, and now I know better, she got sick of me, and she got sick in her head._

_She tried to vindicate the way she treated me, so when it wasn't enough she killed herself; it was too cold and too lonely, I might have forgiven her if she had confessed she was wrong._

_She can pretend that she was a mom, singing us lullabies like that was how it was done. I know she's burning in flames about now for all that she did; like the day Reno died, she said God took the wrong son, Kairi ran, yelling behind her that she'd had enough…_

The writing had suddenly died off.

Roxas reached his left hand up to his face, wiping away a tear that had formed there.

He was so engrossed in the book that he hadn't seen its writer leaning on the opposite wall, now walking toward him.

He donned a weak smile, hurt showing in his eyes.

Roxas only noticed him when he was right beside him. He flinched a bit, pleading with Axel about how he didn't mean to along with other nonsense mixing in. He opened his eyes when he felt an arm wrap around him.

The book was burning; now reduced to a mere pile of ashes on the floor.

"All that is history. Why would you want to know about it, Roxas?" the redhead inquired, holding Roxas rightly to himself.

"I just… I wanted to know about you…"

"You do know about me…you know about the me that exists now. I'm right in front of you…"

A/N: Well… that was interesting… I got a dark Akuroku request (requester asked to remain anonymous), so here it is.


End file.
